


So This Is It (For Us)

by IMakeMyselfLol



Category: Sherlock (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Break Up, F/M, Ficlet, Freebatch - Freeform, Headcanon, I didn't even know I was part of this hell, M/M, Until I had this idea, Which is not happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 07:49:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6229912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMakeMyselfLol/pseuds/IMakeMyselfLol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would have happened if they were together, and Martin found out about Ben's engagement in the paper? </p>
<p>Maybe this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So This Is It (For Us)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again folks! This is something I had written a while ago and never posted here, but I feel bad for not having updated any of my other works in so long so I'm going to be posting this and a ficlet I wrote as a gift for wtsnhlms as well tonight, if free batch hell isn't for you, I'd leave now...

The silence was stony, prickling at the back of his neck and settling in a leaden ball in the pit of his stomach, a wanton fist palpatating his heart.

“What. The fuck. Are you doing?” Martin growled, fists clenched roughly at his side. Ben shrugged, running a hand through his hair, shorter now, for a change. Sophie liked it either way but short was good, short was distance and fresh starts.   
“I’m getting married.” 

Martin scoffed and held up the notice in the paper like it was a weapon dripping blood onto his carpet. “Well I know that, no thanks to you, I found out like every other sod in the bloody country.” The way he said it, like it was the worst betrayal he’d ever been faced with, made it harder to keep his hands to himself. Benedict stuffed them into his pockets, clutching at the lining like a life line.

“I did try to tell you, I’ve been trying to tell you for months now but you never seemed to want to hear much of anything, well, that I had to /say/ anyway.” That got a flare of familiar heat in the blue eyes boring into his and it took all of his willpower not to stop this, to lean in and let himself be transported by Martins lips, the coarse grind of stubble and hips a door to another galaxy, another life.

Martin lowered his hand and stared down at the incriminating piece of paper, so small, yet so momentous. “What I don’t understand” he croaked, throat catching roughly before he cleared it “is why? Why are you doing this?” 

And that was the crux of it. Martin would never understand how it felt to be on this side of the glass.  
“Tell me something, Martin. How does it feel to be in love? You know the feeling well, you and Amanda, you...and I.”   
Ben turned away from him, the look of confusion in his eyes “And, I do love you, Jesus Christ I do, really awfully, soul crushingly, I am in love with you. But you are a man with a wife and a family that you love and that love you in return. You might love me, but I am not your everything. I know that, I knew it when I met you that I could never be more than a few weekends a year for you but you were all that I had, and I didn’t even have you.” He shrugged softly, eyes damp. “I can’t ever have a moment with you that isn’t hidden inside rooms like these and compartmentalized to make this easier for us to hide from every single person who isn’t you, me, Amanda and now Sophie. But I want more than that, I want to have someone I can take with me when I go away, that I can talk about to my parents, that I can love outside the four walls of whatever apartment we’ve rented.”   
Martin was frozen to the spot, completely silent. Ben thought of all the times they had spent in this same room with nothing but heavy breaths and hands between them. Agony and ecstasy intertwined.

“I want what you already have, a family. You know I want to be a father, and I love your children, I do, but I’m their zany uncle Ben and nothing more. So yes, I am getting married. I love Sophie and she loves me, and we’re completely equal to each other. I can go home to my bed each night and know that she’ll be there and that when I wake up it’ll be to her face and not the sound of her creeping off at arse o'clock in the morning. If I want to I can kiss her in the street and tell her that I love her just because its true and I’m not scared for anyone to hear it. Of course I’m still in love with you, but I can’t, I can’t do it anymore. I’m so bloody tired, and I love you, and it’s killing me. So I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before about it, but I’m not sorry that it’s happening. I can’t be.” 

 

“So this is it then, for us?” Martin said softly, standing only metres away but seeming so much farther. Ben shrugged and swallowed the emotion welling up in his throat. “Well, then, I don’t want to say any of that trite shite about staying friends because, because we are so much more than that, don’t you think? So… So instead I’m just going to say congratulations. I really do hope she makes you as happy as I wanted to. I really, genuinely do. I think maybe it would be easier for us both if we just took some time out of each other’s pockets for a while. I always heard that its quite hard to fall out of love with someone, I guess we’ll be seeing soon enough eh?” He joked limply.   
The two men stared at each other across the scant space between them and flagged, plants withering in the face of their choices. Maybe if they had met sooner, things would be different, but maybes and ifs didn’t change reality, they just made for unattainable dreams.

Neither knew who moved first, but their mouths were crushed together in the space of milliseconds, teeth and tongues and wet heat biting out 'I’ll miss you' in the other’s mouth, the salty tang of fresh tears a new experience for them both. It was horrible, and beautiful, and perfect.

 

It was a goodbye.  
It was a see you soon.  
It was a soon will never be soon enough.


End file.
